Call me crazy, I know, call me what you want, but I still am bothered by the fact that Miley and Irelyn were preemies. I was sending some pictures to my sister last night and started looking at some pictures of the girls when they were in the Nicu. I see pictures like this all the time, yet sometimes it really bothers me. This morning, while driving to the bank I started crying. Ridiculous, I know. I just feel like my body let me down. I know that being pregnant with twins means that you have a higher chance of early delivery, but 29 and a half weeks? Really? What happened to 40 weeks?
Irelyn was in the Nicu for 6 weeks and Miley for 7.5 weeks. They were released from the hospital before their due dates and they are doing amazing. I mean, Miley is in the 90th percentile for height and weight. She is no preemie anymore. Yet, I still have this sadness because they were born so early.
The girls are almost 2 years old. I hope this feeling goes away. I hope it doesn't haunt me forever. And, even more importantly, I hope the girls do not remember their Nicu experience. I hope they do not remember their fight to stay alive. We had a relatively smooth ride. I can't even imagine how some other parents feel.
It may be mean to say, but I don't believe that you even understand how I feel unless you have been in my shoes. If you, had a preemie (or knew someone VERY close to you who did). I just hope this feel goes away. Don't pity me. Miley and Irelyn are absolutely amazing girls. They have come SO incredibly far. I just wish I could lose this nagging feeling.
Sorry, to ramble today.
A few early on pics that I like. I would say the girls were about a month old.
7 comments:
I'm with ya. I struggle every time I look at NICU pics. I can't help but cry. We had it easier than most and suffer no lasting effects from prematurity (except my own feelings about it) but the feelings of fear, dread, numbness...they lessen, but don't seem to go away. I remember walking through those days in a fog. I have to force myself to remember details because I think I was kind of robotic at the time.
Thankfully, I don't think about any of that very often. And, VERY thankfully, my triplets are doing great--like Miley and Irelyn. We're the blessed ones.. :)
It's a very Merry Christmas. :)
I cannot even imagine, Kelly. You've got 2 mighty little fighters on your hands (who happen to be so stinking adorable...). I think it's great that you posted this. There's really something to be said about honesty and just putting stuff out there. I hope it helped to write about it. Big hugs to you, friend. :)
Honestly, I don't think it ever goes away but over time how we deal with those emotions and how we even look back at our time does change. But every once in a while I'll find myself in a swell of emotions for no reason and, like you mentioned, find myself crying while doing the most routine of things.
I had my daughter 13 weeks early, and now at 3 years old it still hasn't gone away.
What I have done though is find that if the prematurity is going to change my life ... I'm going to use it to help others. I volunteer at the local NICU, making gift baskets and anything else I can do to make that horrible experience just a small bit better for others. I feel like it's important for me to give back because we were one of the lucky ones.
In all though .. our experience sets us apart from everyone else out there. But in the end we're all blessed to have our children and all I know is that sometimes us NICU mom's know how to hug just a little bit tighter when the chaos of having toddlers surrounds you.
Congratulations .. you have two beautiful daughters.
Awww...you know, my feelings of sadness and worries are more about NOW (16 months today) and not about their birth, as you and Nicole expressed. I was blessed to carry the boys for 36 weeks but you know, they were more like 32 weekers in weight (4lb6oz, 18inches). They are still so incredibly thin--just 17 and 18lb at 15 months. Your girls were already so much bigger at this age--I looked at your data! Your girls have caught up so great! We are nowhere close on the charts for weight, just for height. I often wonder why it is this way but then I have to think that it's genetics and the way they are. But I am overwhelmed with a lot of worry every day about the boys' weight and very little eating. You know what I mean? Pregnancy and devliery was great but now, I just wonder why they are not heavier or gaining weight. Seriously, every single blog that I follow, even quads and twins born at 24-25 weeks, weight more at this age then my boys--and they were almost "full term twins". So don't beat yourself up, the girls are gorgeous and are doing wonderfully! Seriously, noone would be able to tell that they spent any time in the NICU...It's all good, cheer up!
Okay, I think my sister falls in the category of VERY close. Both of her girls were also in the NICU and born too early. I will say this, the girls have no recollection of that time and they are both well, flourishing, happy, and healthy little girls. Your girls are well loved and that is what matters.
I know how you feel Kelly! As you know my Olivia was 13 weeks early. I feel I got robbed. I never got to get huge with her. I wasn't able to feel the really strong kicks of a full term baby. Just as I was starting to show...she was born. I am right there with you...it sucks! But I just keep telling myself to be grateful that she is here now. Happy and healthy.
I can't even imagine it Kelly! Sarah wasn't a premie, but NICU was a nightmare. Thankfully we only had to be there a week and a half before they could take Sarah off the oxygen I cant imagine how scary it was for you to deal with. I dont know how I made it through those days, so I really can't imagine how you did it. But I guess you do what you have to do when needed.
The girls are beatiful smart little ladies! I love that Sarah has them for friends!
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